I stare at a computer screen quite a lot. However, I doubt I stare at one nearly as much as I think I do. The problem with having an apparent overabundance of creativity is that it creates a strong whirlpool of imagination. The imagination is a tricky beast to wrap one’s mind around, especially when your mind is the one creating the beast in the first place. So, in the absence of being able to corral the leviathan of creative thought, I stare.

Staring at my screen usually shows me a blank page in some form or another of word processor. I have used several and will continue to use several, mostly because I find myself increasingly stubborn and somewhat jumpy. As well as the screen, I know that in my 360 degree field of view around my desk I have at my disposal somewhere in the vicinity of eight different notebooks, ranging from a romance novel sized Moleskin or two all the way up to a few one-subject generics that I have collected over the years for almost no particular reason. This is what one does when the switch flips in their brain that tells them they should write, regardless of whether or not that goal is a possible one to achieve.

Again, this leads to staring.

I wish now to state what is blindingly obvious. The absolute no-brainer of this entire exercise is that, yes, I should be applying myself. There is no real “apparent” nature to be gleamed from the notion of using my skills for good rather than, well, nothing. “Applying oneself” is one of those catchy phrases that seem to be continuously lobbed at the out-stretched gloves of those that find themselves relentlessly trapped under the banner of the “apparently smart”.

“Oh, if only he applied himself, he could anything.” or “If she could just apply those talents to something useful she would be so much better off.” How, exactly, has this nugget of wisdom ever been anywhere close to as helpful as it is perceived to be by the general population? How has it become the umbrella phrase for the supposedly lazy (though more on that later) and drastically underutilized members of our society?

As an example, we can look at a teenager who finds that they are quite gifted musically, or at least well enough at it that at some point during their puberty they decide it might be a fun way to kill some time and maybe even (eventually, if hundreds of circumstances align) make some kind of career out of. Being able to play a guitar, or even sing, is a talent very few have. Turning that talent into something that pays bills and creates a livelihood is a feat accomplished by even fewer. Still, people have succeeded. It can be done and will continue to be done. But, as depressing as this question is to ask, what exactly happens to all of those poor kids who wasted their youthful summers and come out at the end of high school with little more than a few old set-lists taped to an amplifier and a van with five thousand extra miles on it? The real world – the one place they never wanted to think about, be a part of, or recognize as even existing – beckons them forth from the smoky nightclub hallways and dreams of fame and fortune.

Those kids – those music career failures – could very well have applied themselves just as much as, if not more, than anyone in their high school classes might have – but they just did it differently. They did not find the educational route to be their best bet. In all actuality, it might have been a worse bet than music, if it is not a sacrilege to say so. It takes an amazing amount of hard work to make anything out of oneself, outside of those few lucky souls that get the silver spoon treatment from fetus onward and never have to worry about anything even possibly going wrong in their velvet-draped existences. Everyone else must suffer, applying or not.

It hurts, sometimes extremely so, to understand that just because a person applies themselves does not mean the gates to success are suddenly neon-glowing and anxiously awaiting their VIP arrival. I stare because I know what this pain feels like, even when I am not applying myself. My imagination has shown me throughout the years just how remarkably sickening that kind of failure can feel. I stare because feeling that in my imagination is knowingly only a fraction of what I can feel if it all happens for real. A dream can hurt, but when you wake up the pain vanishes. I can dream of that pain, and sadly I do dream of that pain, all I want and know full well that a snap of the fingers can pull me back into a safe, staring, empty-screen reality. The question changes from “why doesn’t he apply himself?” to “why should I even bother applying myself?”

It has taken me quite a number of years to determine that the bothering does actually matter, whether success waits or not. Whether it is writing, music, design, or anything creative (or even not – like starting a business or gaining an education) bothering will always get me somewhere. It may not get me exactly where I need to go, but it could very well open up paths I never knew existed that could, maybe if I pray hard enough, get me to the path I originally wanted to be on, if I even care about that path anymore.

I loved computers as a child. They really became “pop culture”, the onset of Windows 95, at a time when I was just becoming a teenager. I knew very little about what computer science was or how it worked or what actually made the box sitting at my feet (or beside the monitor) do what it did. I wanted to learn though, and went to higher learning believing that it was my absolute destiny to be a computer scientist. Reality told me that programming is incredibly hard and that my brain was absolutely not wired for C++ or any sort of higher-end programming language I was sure to come up against. I saw what the seniors lugged around for books, and I’m fairly certain I would not be allowed on airplanes with quite a number of them due to the potential to be used as a blunt force weapon.

So I stared at a course catalog, and went around from math to teaching to, eventually, Mass Communications. Let’s be honest. Mass Communications is where the creative kids go that are not that good with literature or classic art. I went there because at that point in my life audio and music production seemed like a viable option, even though I was almost too aware that my future would be one of welfare and poverty as the radio industry was declining like a lead blimp (almost a music pun) and while I found video to be fascinating could not see myself doing that kind of job for the rest of my life. Basically, I took a good four year chunk of my life, applying myself at least most of the way toward a degree I was almost certain would doom me – but I learned one great piece of information during those years that has stuck with me more than almost any lesson that was taught. I do enjoy writing.

I can say without a doubt that I enjoy it, even if it is full of lots of staring and emotional disappointment when I fail at a project or find myself not caring as much about my own work as I should (re: previous post). It is a hard lesson to learn, but one that is slowly dawning on me. I want to apply myself as a writer in some way, and for now this blog could be it. I could very well be an absolute failure at whatever it is a blog writer is supposed to be besides a writer. My writing never has to be perfect (even if I do wish it was) and it realistically could never be seen by anyone outside of the few unlucky souls I link my work to, as I still want to experience that feedback and smile in the knowledge that someone is actually reading what I’m spending so much effort on – you know, when I actually do decide to apply myself. Even now, as I stare at these fifteen hundred words, I am not sure if what I have accomplished could be considered “applying oneself”, but what I did accomplish was writing on a blog. Considering that I wear the hat of a blog writer, at least in spirit, I can only say that this is a good thing.

After all, I could have just stared. I could have dreamt up all of the ways my writing of this could have gone wrong. I can assure you I have done that enough to know what it feels like. I did not want to think. I did not want to stare. I wanted to write, and this is what came out. The trigger in my brain has returned back to its usual setting though, and I want to make it clear, incredibly clear, that applying oneself in any situation is not guaranteed success. Even without thinking of failure, this still could have failed. It could even fail me in the future. I am not exactly certain what kind of goals I have in mind for writing such a long-winded piece are, except that I started typing a little less than an hour ago and, with a short break, this is what fell out of my fingertips.

There is a learning curve to all of this. There is that heart-to-heart you have to have with yourself to understand that what you wish to do, and how you wish to apply your talents, may not be what others consider “your best interests”. Seriously, some people could very well downright shame you for having goals and dreams that do not fall in line with their expectations of you. However, if you have those conversations deep within yourself and you see that you want to push in a certain direction – just do it. Apply, apply, apply. Don’t stare, don’t wait, don’t imagine what bear trap or temple guard could be waiting to eviscerate you or steal you away from the treasure you are hoping to find. I fight with this every single day when I tell myself that “now” is the time to write or that I should be letting my fingers walk around the keyboard instead of browsing. I could call that part of my day “research” forever, but it does not make it so. It makes it “not applying myself”, unless what I am applying to be is a reader of the internet, and there is quite a few of those. Granted, there are also quite a few bloggers and a great number of incredibly talented and amazing people that populate the internet and apply themselves much better than I may ever, but that does not mean that I should not be applying myself – even if it is on the web or into a notebook. I may never get myself down to writing every single day, even for three minutes, but that is a goal that is incredibly reasonable and has no real risk associated with it.

Risk causes problems. Risk can stop the application train dead to rights, even when you do not even notice it is there. I can wake up in the morning and write a line of text in one of my eight notebooks, or a sentence before I go to sleep. That is all. I technically wrote that day. That’s better than not writing at all, or not doing whatever it is that I feel I should be doing when it comes to applying myself the way I think I should be. This is not rocket science, nor is it all that original of a thought process, but it is still one that necessitates me pounding it into my own head every day when I stare, or when I just don’t feel like letting my fingers shut my brain off and allow thoughts to come out. My brain can stop thoughts cold just as well as it can create them. I’ve been there. I’ve watched it happen, helplessly and hopelessly.

I’m working to get over that hump by repeatedly telling myself that I write a blog, for fun sure, but I still write it. Down deep, right next to where I lock up my imagination, I know thoughts exist where I somehow can make a career out of my words. I allow that dream on the condition that I do not let it fail me. That is the only condition you to abide by to still be able to dream and still apply yourself. Dare I say, you can even use your imagination to its fullest? Yes, as long as you keep the trips down the bad paths to a maximum of zero. If the future comes and you find yourself standing in the middle of a clearing of failure, it is good to know that you at least did something. You surely accomplished some iota of progress, even if that progress was in identifying something you should absolutely not be doing, like I felt with computer programming, teaching, and math that hurt my muscles when I looked at it (heavy stuff, seriously). Progress is always good, and I shall repeat it one last time for today – say it with me now – it’s better than just staring.

Class dismissed.